Field Trip is a homebase for the research and references that inform the work and life of designer Lauren Scarlett.
[RESEARCH ©FT]
Really Happy You’re Here
In the song Dionne by The Japanese House there’s a line that says, “your past becomes your present if it’s always on your mind” and it rings in my head every June as it becomes 2019 again each year. Yesterday marked four years since one of my childhood friends decided to leave us, and every June the same thoughts and feelings arise. With the date lining up with me just moving back to my hometown, it’s felt a little heavier this year. My early 20’s were a continual lesson in the acceptance of things being constantly reoccurring. You don’t lose people once, and the cycles of it all are exhausting.
I just took a week off work and hoped it would revive me more than it has. Everything in my life feels in-between right now and I feel generally stuck. I’m trying to give myself some grace for feeling disappointed with where I’m at, but losing people young has made me relentlessly ambitious and given me a fear of slowness. I’ve felt as though I’ve been trying to out-run time for as long as I can remember; so when things lose momentum or I’m pushed back in some way, frustration outweighs everything else. There’s a guilt that accompanies the frustration though because I’m aware of what a privilege it is to have these problems. To be able question what I want in life because of all the options I have, because I’m alive and healthy and can essentially do anything I want; which is overwhelming, and difficult and exciting at the same time.
Despite the ache of losing people, I’m thankful for grief humbling me like nothing else does. I anticipate the anniversary dates and I’m grounded when they come. They remind me to live for simple things. For when it’s 5pm and my mum’s preparing food, my dad’s blasting music and two dogs are fighting for my attention. For when I’ve ended up somewhere random on a night out with people I just met. For when I’m singing with friends at a concert. All those moments when work is the last thing on my mind and I’m just happy to be here. We’re so good at complicating life, and so good at focusing on things that are ultimately unimportant. Life is difficult enough without us being so hard on ourselves so I hope you’re taking care of yourself and make time to check in with your friends and family.
I don’t want this to be a place for heavy topics every week but I do think it’s worth acknowledging things that are hard to talk about. A difficult conversation could save a life. You’re not alone in anything and it’s all worth sticking around for. I’m really really happy that you’re here.
extremely thoughtful entry lauren, thank you for writing this and opening up in this way. ive felt this *exact* sense of stuckness in life for quite a bit now, as i feel like im not heading up in the way i should be or think i should be. always important to focus on those tiny little moments of warmth we feel and to keep important ppl close! again, thanks for the vulnerable writing and being a genuinely important pillar in the community!
Thanks so much for sharing. I feel the same way about June.. with it being Father’s Day. My dad is still here but for over 20 years our relationship wasn’t close like it could’ve been and then he didn’t come to my wedding. He finally came around last year. 4 years into our marriage. I can see he’s giving effort to rekindle but had a hard time apologizing. Learning to forgive and set boundaries but still love.. idk
But thank you so much for reminding us to give ourself grace. Life is hard. It’s tough as is and we’re all just trying to make it day by day.
My deepest condolences for your loss and hoping for comfort for you in this time 💐