I Wanna Be Adored
Field Trip | No.53
Field Trip is a homebase for the research and references that inform the work and life of designer Lauren Scarlett.
[RESEARCH ©FT]
Every now and then we’ll put something out into the world and the reaction to it doesn’t meet our expectations. If you’re like me, this is when you start to spiral into a pit of self-doubt, plan a career change, decide that deleting all forms of social media and disappearing might just be what’s necessary. And then a day later you feel fine. You remember you dont make stuff for validations sake and you definitely dont use the annoyance to drive the next idea you have in a subtly spiteful “I’ll show you how good I am” manner.
High and Dry
Caught up in craving the social validation that comes from likes, comments, engagement etc and it leaving me feeling confused and annoyed, I took a break from posting anything for a while and now I finally feel re-aligned.
The high of something doing really well on socials is very high, it’s a hard feeling not to chase but is ultimately short lived and doesn’t amount to meaning much at all. When something doesn’t blow up, it results in feelings of resentment to the platform, the people not hyping you up, and most of all, the thing you’ve made; all rooted in the feeling that it wasn’t good enough. This obviously isn’t a healthy thing to base the quality of your work on, and more importantly base your self-worth on.
My headspace for most of this year is one I can only describe as a fucking mess. I’ve lost and regained sight of everything important to me on a loop, trapped in a cycle of an over-inflated ego and crippling self-doubt. I’ve disregarded quality and care for my work in a rush to make it to the next thing. I’ve wanted to impress too many different kinds of people and felt pulled in a million directions because I didn’t know what I wanted. The conclusion is – I want everything. There’s so much I want to do and I doubt this feeling will ever go; but focusing solely on what I can actually do right now has brought me to a levelled out place where things are starting to make sense again.
Snap Out of It
Gaining some mental clarity has involved practising the old habits that used to keep me centred, that over the course of this year, I just stopped doing. The main thing is making an effort to consume good stuff.
One of the first things I used to do when I sat down to work was spend some time going through journal sections of sites I love, reading articles and interviews. Seeing good writing, good imagery, good design, first thing in the morning away from socials. This always set me up to want to make good things. It also aids in what I talked about in The Coolest Person You’ve Ever Met in that choosing what you’re consuming instead of being fed an algorithm, allows you to develop your own taste away from influence. In doing this again lately, I’ve been reminded of the work I really like and want to make and not what’s performing well on instagram right now.
I’ve also been listening to music I’ve loved for years, relying less on needing constant newness. I’ve been re-watching longer youtube videos and movies, I think in attempt to force my attention span to increase to what it used to be. I’ve gone back to books, back to print, back to really thoughtfully crafted things.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve looked at my phone less, or that I’ll now be able to post freely without caring, because I do care way too much. But I refuse to let social media be the determinant of what’s good and what isn’t. Stepping away from it has reminded me to prioritise only producing the highest quality work I’m capable of. And if posting anything feels performative, forced or just isn’t as good as I think it can be, it’s not worth posting at all.
“I’ve wanted to impress too many different kind of people and felt pulled in a million directions because I didn’t know what I wanted. The conclusion is – I want everything.” Yesss, couldn't relate more
"I’ve lost and regained sight of everything important to me on a loop, trapped in a cycle of an over-inflated ego and crippling self-doubt." I've read the post three times and all three times that line stood out to me. 2023 has definitely been a year of growing pains and I also want to do everything but trying my very best not to rush the brush.
Additionally, as someone who loves New Music Fridays, thanks for the reminder that I don't have to jump on the train so early so often, they're some albums, songs and playlists I can go back to as a sort of palette cleanser.